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First of all, let's find out where
one gets all those ideas about scams in marriages with
foreign women. Did you have any friends, family
members or colleagues that married Russian women and fell
victims of immigration scams? Most likely, NO! So your
ideas about high probability of immigration scams in
marriages with foreign women are, most often, based on
what you have read, heard or seen in the Media - and of
course you know what makes the news and what's not: When
was the last time you have seen a "happily ever
after" fairy tale on the front page of a newspaper?
Scandals, murders, and scams make the news; happy
marriages don't. In the USA alone it's about four to six
thousand men that marry foreign women every year; how many
scandal stories you hear for the same period of time?
Apparently, if immigration scams in marriages with foreign
women were indeed such a problem, you would have heard
horror stories much more often, and, eventually, your
government would do something about it.
In fact, it is NOT
so many Russian women that seek somebody abroad with the
only purpose to use marriage as the means to immigrate to
the USA or any other country. It is only women who are
absolutely desperate that would contemplate such a
marriage, and those women are seldom objects of desire for
any man.
A woman that is desired by
a foreign man is usually a woman who can exercise some
choice among her suitors, and she would rather select a
mate who is suitable for her than just marry anybody: once
she is in a foreign country, and divorced from her
husband, what will she do? Live a lonely life of an
immigrant - a person of "second sort",
struggling to make ends meet, without any connections,
family and friends, having to look for a new love partner
- does this prospective looks any brighter to you than a
prospective of having a loving happy marriage and stable
life? Apparently, finding a suitable mate will take much
less time for a woman in Russia than the process of going
through marriage to an unsuitable mate, following
immigration and divorce, and settling in her new single
life. Do you think Russian women are all crazy masochists?
Any reasonable human being would prefer to receive
"the full package" including love and stability,
without the need to go through unnecessary pain and
change. It is simply unrealistic to think many Russian
women would prefer to contemplate an immigration scam,
i.e. marrying a man with the only purpose of immigration
and subsequent divorce, rather than marrying for love and
receiving "the full package". All human beings
are made in the same way: we all want to be happy and do
not want to suffer. Russian women are no different.
So the cases of real
immigration scams should be rare among Russian women
marrying foreign men, I mean the cases where women initially
intended to divorce their husbands after the immigration, before
even being married to them.
Try to picture yourself in
a relationship with somebody you don't like, and spending
1-2-3 years of your life in such a situation, would you
willingly select such a fate, when you could be involved
with somebody you really like and receive the same
benefits? This is why I say that it is only a
desperate person who would decide on an immigration scam;
the person who cannot exercise any choice. And the reason
why she does not have any choice is because no one wants
her. So, by selecting an attractive woman to start a
relationship with and competing for their attention with
other suitors, men in a great extent secure themselves
against desperate persons. Therefore, the explicit type of
immigration scams where a person starts a relationship
with somebody only to gain permanent residence to a
western country is not that common in marriages with
Russian women.
But if people do not
know each other well enough, problems in a marriage can
occur, and in such a case men often feel they were
just "used" for the purpose of immigration. The
initial intent of a woman was not an immigration scam but
if the couple do not stay together for long, a man may
decide he was "scammed".
For example, if a man
marries a local woman and their marriage doesn't work out,
and they discover their interests or pace of life are
incompatible, and divorce soon, the man would not think he
was "scammed", just because a woman would not
gain anything from such a marriage, rather lost, just like
him.
But if such a thing happens
in a marriage of a local man and a foreign woman, the
woman appears to have gained something she did not have
before the marriage - namely, the residence to a
western country, which is perceived as very desirable for
foreigners - and therefore a man can conclude he fell a
victim of an "immigration scam".
It is the belief that life
in Russia is a complete misery and there is nothing for
women to lose when they immigrate, that drives people to
think that a Russian woman would go to any lengths just to
gain residence into countries of Northern America,
Australia or Western Europe. This perception is nothing
but a myth. Russian people do not consider their life
miserable, and most of them would not contemplate
immigration by any means, even the people who are well
travelled and perfectly aware of the differences in the
life style between Russia and the west. The real reason
why so many Russian women advertise for partners abroad is
not their desire to immigrate but their inability to find
a suitable partner in Russia, mainly caused by demographic
discrepancies (according to the latest census, there are
10 million more women than men in Russia).
Talking about scams, in
reality, it is nearly impossible
to fake attraction to a mate that will be convincing
enough for a possible husband to proceed with marriage.
There are very clear indications if the person is or is
not attracted to a potential mate, such as sexual
attraction (in the case where a woman fakes attraction,
she prefers to have as little sexual communication as
possible), personal acceptance (if a woman fakes
attraction, she is often irritated with minor things), and
body language (if a woman fakes attraction, she tries to
"close" herself to the man, by crossing her
hands and legs when the two are together, making herself
"inaccessible" for him, moving back when he
moves towards her, etc). Such cues in a woman's behavior
can seldom go unnoticed by a man, even if on the
subconscious level, he will have the feeling that
"something's not right", and will usually back
up from a marriage.
What happens in reality
most often is that when two people who do not know each
other well decide to marry, they might, at a later stage, discover
some personal incompatibilities, such as hygienic or
sexual incompatibilities, which can be the most repulsive,
or less stressful but nevertheless important in a marriage
differences in educational or cultural level, pace of
life, circle of social interaction, etc. For example, for
a woman who lived all her life in a large city and was
attending theatrical or musical performances on a weekly
to monthly basis, the fact that her husband lives in a
small town and never attends live performances can be
significant enough to feel inadequate in a marriage, if
these cultural activities were important for her.
Therefore, it is
extremely important to know each other's daily routine,
background and interests in great detail before deciding
on marriage.
Other important things will
be the person's reactions in critical situations;
for example, one person is used to solving problems
through an immediate discussion in raised voices, and the
other is used to backing up if a problem arises and
removing himself from the situation altogether. With the
time, such modus operandi are likely to cause repulsive
feelings in both, unless the couple discuss their way of
handling problems and find a mutually acceptable way of
solving the problems - which is highly unlikely, since
people seldom realize their differences on the behavioral
level and the very fact that another person may have a
different set of behavioral patterns, since our own
behavioral patterns seem "natural" to us and we
cannot even imagine they may be "unnatural" for
somebody else.
In real life such
incompatibilities are checked in a natural way, and
couples that do not have compatible behavioral patterns
seldom get to the stage of marriage decisions. In the
long distance dating, couples prefer to concentrate on
their common points and overlook their differences, or
possible differences, and a couple can be forced into a
marriage decision before they are actually ready to
approach such a decision.
The only remedy to a
potential "immigration scam" situation is to
take the time and effort to really get to know the person
you are intending to marry. What is especially
important for men, they should disclose as much personal
information as possible to a potential partner, since it
will be the woman who moves to an unknown country and
needs to adjust to the new life style. Daily routine,
earnings and expenses, entertainment, hobbies, health
problems, desire for children and how soon such a desire
can be fulfilled, should be discussed in detail. If those
aspects were not discussed in advance, there is a great
risk for a marriage to survive, should significant
incompatibilities be discovered later in a marriage.
Copyright © 2004 Elena Petrova
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